Title: after all
Rating: G
Fandom: Kuroko no Basket
Relationship: Akashi Seijurou/Mayuzumi Chihiro
Wordcount: 3988
Short summary: What is Chihiro’s and Akashi’s relationship? What does Chihiro actually want…after all?
It’s 11 PM and Chihiro finds himself calling it an “early” night, at least for him. It’s time to move to the next day already after today’s events…after that match…
Chihiro hadn’t planned to go to that match. This morning he even started a new game that had been sitting on his shelf for a bit, pushed back behind school work and light novels and anime in priority. But by lunchtime he just felt too restless to focus on the video game. Rather, in the back of his mind, he was thinking about another game, that match, even if he’s no longer playing basketball on any team, even if he does not care about any high school basketball reputation or any Japanese basketball reputation.
But Akashi had sent him a ticket, and Chihiro always has a hard time turning down free stuff.
When Chihiro finally showed up to watch, that match was well underway and Vorpal Swords were in a deficit. Funnily enough, he showed up just when Vorpal Swords started turning things around. Which was fine with Chihiro; he isn’t the type to enjoy watching a former teammate struggle.
He watched the match with single-minded focus, because he made the trip there, too busy to even sit down in his ticketed seat (it was probably near where the other Rakuzan guys were and…yeah, no). He watched the match with mixed emotions as Akashi came alive, showed all of his cards, became…merged… Maybe the general audience was confused about all this Akashi “drama”, but anyone who had played with Akashi closely, his Teikou teammates and the Rakuzan first string…anyone who had intimate experience would know…
It’s funny but perhaps fitting that Chihiro was there for the other Akashi’s last hurrah. That was the Akashi who recruited Chihiro back to basketball and that was the Akashi that Chihiro helped put to rest temporarily. Chihiro swallowed a shout when he realized the moment of the merger, the merger that meant the Akashi he knew much more intimately, the one he spent 99% of his last year at Rakuzan with, was forever gone.
Chihiro doesn’t dislike the “original” Akashi. He lets that Akashi communicate with him and they are probably something like friends, begrudgingly. But this was still a loss nevertheless. Maybe it stung because Chihiro thought the Akashi he knew was lost, but then he came back only to be lost again more permanently. Like a villain who turned good but ultimately was not allowed to survive in so many shonen manga that Chihiro had read.
When the match finished, Chihiro didn’t bother to do anything but send a congratulatory LINE message. He walked out of the arena by himself, got takeout on his way home. He watched another episode of some anime he can’t remember the name of while he ate, not expecting a reply. Then he retired to bed to continue the light novel he was reading last night. As if the best way to move on from this…whatever this is…was to pretend nothing extraordinary actually happened just a few hours before and return to his current life.
It doesn’t work but whatever. 11 PM is late enough for normal people. Chihiro curls his body under his blankets and does his best to just force himself to sleep.
*******
“Normalcy” doesn’t last too long. Even if Chihiro had woken up each day this past week looking for a LINE notification, one week of silence isn’t a long time for “normalcy”. Because Akashi had been busy between Vorpal Swords, his normal team duties, and the surprising (somewhat but not completely) news that Kagami was leaving/returning to America. That news was big enough that even Chihiro read about it while scrolling his timeline. Something that big would not be left alone by someone like Akashi.
Akashi: You came, right? I’m glad you were there for his last moment.
Akashi’s message is straight to the point and answers so many questions Chihiro might have asked. So Akashi knew that Chihiro came to the match, knew that Chihiro recognized what happened, knew how Chihiro had a stupid fondness for the brat he met and got recruited by. Chihiro reads the message again just because he doesn’t know what to say. Maybe he shouldn’t say anything. It would only be stupid and pointless.
Akashi: Can I come by and see you? I’ll be in Tokyo again next weekend.
Chihiro blinks. They had turned into “LINE friends” because Akashi was busy and Chihiro was not going to spend any extra effort to see him. And also because he didn’t really want to see Akashi. With just text messages, there’s a lot that can’t be read: his facial expressions, his internal thoughts, his unconscious desires… Chihiro is not sure he wants to meet this Akashi.
Yes, at some point Chihiro had admitted to himself that he was more comfortable with the Akashi that used his first name and bossed him around. Perhaps he was secretly a masochist despite normally prioritizing his own well-being. But it still feels weird to think some other person replaced the young man he formed the intimate connection with, the “light and shadow” with. Because the shadow that belonged with the “original” Akashi was…Kuroko.
Akashi: You aren’t busy. Let’s do dinner.
Chihiro’s eyes widen. He double, triple checks the message log. No, there were no messages between Akashi asking if he could see Chihiro and saying they would do dinner. The slightest tingle of warmth sparks in Chihiro’s chest. They did merge…right? Maybe that means…
Chihiro grits his teeth even if he knows the answer is easy. He pretends that it is a hard decision, if only because he’s fine with staying in denial. If it’s some flimsy means of protecting himself from…
Chihiro: Okay.
*******
The weekend comes too soon and not soon enough. Chihiro didn’t want to be picked up by his apartment so he makes sure to be out and about in Akihabara even if it would cause Akashi inconvenience. Maybe Akashi would cancel their plans because of the traffic and Chihiro could pretend that they “tried” to meet but didn’t. Because of circumstances?
“Mayuzumi-san, over here.”
Akashi finds Chihiro next to a display of half-naked female figurines which Chihiro has no actual interest in buying. If he were to buy a figurine he’d have it pre-ordered and it’d likely not be at Animate, because the stuff he’s into lately is not popular enough for big merchandise. He had just been…scrutinizing the figurines for the manufacturing quality. Yeah…
“Mayuzumi-san!”
“Yeah.”
Chihiro can’t ignore Akashi’s calls any longer. It’s not like he cares about this particular Animate store, but he rather not cause a scene. Sure Akashi might look a little nicer than the average customer of this type of store, but with a casual button-down, slacks and sneakers, he doesn’t look too out of place. Chihiro, meanwhile, has gone with a plain T-shirt and jeans. Besides it’s just dinner, not some sort of fancy date.
“Want to walk or take the train?”
Chihiro raises a brow as Akashi shows him the location on his phone. He supposes they could take the train one stop to Kanda, but the walk isn’t that long, and with walking there wouldn’t be crowded train cars to deal with that would force them to be in closer proximity… Chihiro finds himself heating up a little at that thought, of Akashi being pressed up against him…
“Walk.”
He leads the way, letting Akashi follow him. He knows Akihabara better than Akashi does anyway. For a while, flashing lights and loud noises block any attempt at conversation, but once they cross into Kanda, the background noise disappears and Chihiro hears Akashi’s footsteps, his humming with clarity. Wait, humming? Chihiro turns around to look only to catch Akashi’s expression morphing into a smile. As if he is happy to catch Chihiro’s attention. Chihiro finds himself looking away, his cheeks flushing.
His cheeks stay flushed even once they get to the restaurant. Okay it’s rather warm inside and the food they order is hot just like ramen should be, but still. Chihiro isn’t even catching half of what Akashi is saying and yet Akashi just keeps smiling. At some point, though, it turns to basketball.
“I wanted to thank you for coming to the match.”
Chihiro nods, words caught in his throat. “Y-yeah…”
“It meant…” Akashi coughs. “Well, it’ll be easier to show you.”
And before Chihiro can register what “showing” might mean, his hand is grabbed and his body tugged forward, towards Akashi. And then lips land on his.
Chihiro is too shocked to do anything, to push Akashi away because isn’t this a restaurant and anyone could see them? He just lets Akashi’s mouth move against his, lets those lips suck a little bit on his lower lip before they withdraw.
“That’s what he would want to tell you.”
Chihiro instinctively moves a hand up to touch his lips. This kiss was what he…what the other Akashi wanted to tell him?
“What about you then?” he blurts out.
Because Chihiro is all mixed up inside because of the Akashi in front of him. Isn’t that obvious?
Akashi smiles. “I admire you.”
A moment passes with Akashi not providing further elaboration. Chihiro sighs; it seems he has to force the issue with the man in front of him. “What does that mean?”
“Let’s date.” Akashi‘s smile widens, as if he had been waiting for this moment.
Chihiro’s jaw drops. Akashi reaches out with a hand and gently lifts Chihiro’s jaw back up, all the while smiling like he knows the answer will be affirmative. Chihiro is too taken in by the moment to think clearly. Because he just agrees with a nod.
It’s only when he’s back in his apartment reading his LINE messages that Chihiro realizes what he’s agreed to. He’s agreed to date Akashi, but not that Akashi, the other Akashi? Tonight was pretty anxiety-inducing… But maybe it’ll be easier to deal with Akashi when they are dating instead of being in this weird limbo of friends but not really?
Chihiro buries his face in a pillow and tells himself he probably deserves this…whatever this is…
*******
Dating Akashi is… The dates have been….good. One time Akashi met Chihiro at a bookstore and he waited without complaint for over an hour while Chihiro figured out which light novels to buy with his limited budget. Another time they went to the movies together, watching some anime film that Chihiro would have seen on his own anyway, but together meant he didn’t have to pay for his own ticket. They always go out to eat afterward, which is the easiest part for Chihiro, because when he doesn’t want to talk, he can just focus on eating food.
But over 2 months of “dating” have resulted in only 3 dates total. Akashi is still busy with school so that makes sense. To make up for it, Akashi started using LINE to video call Chihiro. He always initiates due to his schedule and his ability to remember Chihiro’s schedule. Their calls would be dominated by Akashi talking if he didn’t insist on hearing why Chihiro likes certain characters in his light novels to the point that Chihiro could easily write a 5-page essay on each character. This amount of attention makes Chihiro feel both flattered and intimidated. His attempts to reciprocate the questioning don’t feel the same when Akashi freely offers his opinions. Each call makes Chihiro feel like he is being pulled at Akashi’s pace. It’s comfortable in a weird way, like they’ve returned somewhat to their Rakuzan relationship except… Akashi calls him “Mayuzumi” for one, but also…
It’s not like Chihiro isn’t trying in this…relationship. It’s just…he still doesn’t really know how he feels. Akashi is just…Akashi levels of attractive. And he doesn’t really know how this Akashi feels. Does this Akashi want to hold his hand? Akashi doesn’t initiate any physical touch. But this Akashi won’t let Chihiro pay for any meal. He won’t let Chihiro eat only unhealthy foods when they eat meals together, even if he lets his friends like Kuroko inhale vanilla milkshakes or Murasakibara constantly consume candy and snacks without any comment. This Akashi seems to treat Chihiro more like a parent or a guardian. But he says he “admires” Chihiro?
Does this Akashi “admire” Chihiro for being the one who put up best with the other Akashi? Is he taking care of Chihiro because the other Akashi “loved” him? Although how can Chihiro really know if it was “love”, if Chihiro had never bothered to entertain the thought before and the other Akashi never indicated before he left whether he…
Maybe the issue is guilt? This Akashi thinks he “took away” the Akashi that “loved” Chihiro and that Chihiro had supposedly “loved” in return? If so… Chihiro’s life is like the plot of a light novel except not the type he would have signed up for. His light novel dreams would be closer to the type where he'd find himself transported into the body of a sword-wielding hero with one love interest and one love interest only. Dating a guy to get over another guy who happened to inhabit the same body previously is just...weird.
If this is all…a farce, then Chihiro should stop it. It’s no one’s fault and no one needs to pay recompense. This Akashi should be free to do what he wants.
So he leaves a message. It’s a crude way to go but he sends it on a day where there have been no messages, so it stands alone. It’s read right away but there is no immediate response. Still, Chihiro won’t take it back. It’s the right thing to do.
Chihiro: Let’s break up. You don’t have to burden yourself with me anymore.
*******
Three days later, it’s definitely a Wednesday, and Chihiro is pretty sure Akashi has skipped class in order to catch Chihiro here after his own psychology class. One doesn’t need to know Akashi well to know that he is here for a serious conversation. Chihiro wonders if it is deliberate timing by Akashi to catch him after psychology lecture and not physics, his last class of the day on Tuesdays and Thursdays, to have this conversation. Because Akashi is that type of guy.
“Akashi.”
Chihiro has been pulled away from the building’s main entrance to a corner where they are definitely still visible if one looks for them but otherwise out of the way of passing traffic.
“I like you. I don’t want to break up.”
Well, straight to the point. Perhaps Akashi does know that today is Wednesday.
“Really.”
Chihiro scans Akashi up and down, looks for any cracks in the façade even though he knows just how tight Akashi can wear his armor.
“Should I just pin you against the wall and show you?”
A question asked without waiting for a response, for Akashi’s hands slam the wall on either side of Chihiro’s head. It doesn’t matter that Chihiro is still taller than Akashi, is still wider than Akashi, when those eyes look at Chihiro like this. Like Chihiro is the target, the singular goal, the only person that matters at this moment.
“Okay, that’s enough.” It’s gone too far.
And he headbutts Akashi, causing Akashi to release from the wall. Although Akashi may not care about anyone else at this moment, Chihiro does. He doesn’t want to be known for public indecency.
Chihiro takes a moment to steel himself. “I’m sorry.” He doesn’t bow his head, though.
“You should probably stop making assumptions about me.”
Chihiro nods. Akashi understands what Chihiro is sorry for, the disservice Chihiro will admit fault for. That Chihiro saying an apology is enough of a sign that he truly means it.
Then, surprisingly, Akashi adds quietly, with a hint of a smile, “Though to be fair, I haven’t been the most upfront with you.”
“Huh?”
Akashi sighs. “I haven’t lied to you. I haven’t pretended with you. I’ve just…omitted.”
“I see…” Chihiro says reflexively before realizing actually, no he doesn’t get it. Okay, maybe he understands things slightly more…that he might have been feeling odd about Akashi because Akashi had been odd towards him.
Akashi chuckles dryly. “I think you and many other people are under the impression that my two personalities are opposites instead of just somewhat different. But it’s not like I don’t think many of the same things, depending on ‘who’ you see. I just express them a bit differently.”
Akashi pauses, biting his lip for a moment, the first sign of hesitance? “When going through a lot of change, it was easier to be two different personalities than to reconcile them. But when I think back at what the ‘other’ personality did, the experiences he had… I think about them and learn from them. The current me thinks that being aggressive and assertive like him is sometimes necessary. But… You thought I was putting on airs.”
“Ah.”
So if Chihiro is keeping track of everything, that means this Akashi is not the one he knew at first but he’s just…growing up. Which isn’t a bad thing; Chihiro certainly wouldn’t want to date someone long-term who had a personality of a young brat even if he was attractive…
“The ‘original’ me is more of a people-pleaser, but I honestly would not keep this relationship if I didn’t feel so comfortable with you. I feel…like I can show you any side of myself and you would give me the same judgment. The amount that you don’t care…or rather, don’t care about trivial things is refreshing. You judge me fairly despite my name and social status.” Akashi smiles. “With you, I’ve explored…things…and I really like how I am when I am with you.”
“Huh.”
Chihiro has never put that much stock in his worth to other people. He knows he acts in his self-interest almost 100% of the time, and he considers himself first before anyone else. To think that could be enough…that it could be exactly what Akashi wants? That Chihiro doesn’t need to be someone else…
Akashi chuckles. “If that’s… If you really want to break up with me, because you don’t like me… Then I will accept that. But I’m pretty sure that’s not the case.” Akashi smirks. “So let’s continue until you fall in love with me too.”
Chihiro can’t help his reflexive recoil at that smirk. “I thought you just ‘liked’ me.”
And he speaks before he meant to, but it just leads to Akashi laughing once more.
“Yeah, that’s true.” Akashi’s mouth then relaxes into a soft smile. “Well, it’s hard to describe accurately how I feel, outside of the belief that we should stay together.”
Chihiro bites his lower lip as he puts together all of Akashi’s reasons. So, there has been no subterfuge. There has been ‘exploring’ and ‘being comfortable’. There aren’t words to accurately describe how he feels. Which means…Akashi isn’t any better or worse off than Chihiro. They are more equal than Chihiro had thought. And it’s been going well…if Chihiro doesn’t take too much stock into his confused feelings.
“I’ll accept that.” Chihiro laughs. It’s not like he was a coward…but maybe he was just running away. “I guess I should accept that you have and always will be a smooth talker.”
Akashi closes the distance between them once more even before Chihiro’s cheeks can fully heat up. His lips are almost on Chihiro’s when he has the last word, because of course, this is Akashi.
“I can show you what else I’m smooth at…”
*******
Chihiro is in the stands once more. He’s become a regular attendee at Rakuzan matches, especially when they come anywhere close to Tokyo. He hasn’t bothered to go discretely; most people don’t notice him. Except today, of course.
“Akashi’s last Interhigh…”
A person with a voice that Chihiro had hoped never to hear again, or at least not for a long while, doesn’t even bother with a proper greeting before coming closer and invading Chihiro’s space. Chihiro scowls.
“Why are you here?” The question obviously being why this person was in Chihiro’s space, not why this person was at a Rakuzan match. And why are the other two also here to bother Chihiro?
“Well, we spotted you.” Hayama grins. “Of course we’d come by.”
“Yeah!” Nebuya adds gruffly.
“Sei-chan was always reluctant to give us details, so now we can bug you about it instead!” Mibuchi exclaims. And thus the bothersome trio have all made their opening statements.
Chihiro sighs. He supposes this was inevitable. Mibuchi is a huge gossip, and without Akashi here to be a distraction, Chihiro couldn’t hide for long.
“Go away.” Chihiro wonders how many minutes are left before the match starts. He pulls out his phone. Five minutes…
“Not that it was a surprise.” Mibuchi giggles. “We always knew there was something more than basketball between you two.”
“Yeah!” Hayama agrees. “Who would pick such a…never mind.”
Chihiro snorts. He had heard plenty of unflattering reasons why he had been picked by Akashi, but none of them had actually been about Akashi having romantic feelings until after Akashi had revealed their relationship. If anything, Chihiro should be the one feeling smug.
“Just shut up and watch the game.” And for once Chihiro agrees with Nebuya.
There are plenty of things to watch besides Akashi’s ability to dribble, pass, and shoot the ball. His ability as captain was more on display than ever; without three uncrowned kings or a phantom man, there were no tricks. Just plain and simple and very effective basketball.
“Well, that’s that.”
Hayama stands up after the match and gives Chihiro a friendly grin. It’s followed by Nebuya’s “See you around maybe” and Mibuchi’s “Bye, Chi-chan. Give Sei-chan a nice congratulations from us as well.”
Chihiro nods. They ended up not being annoying once the match started; at heart all of them are fans of the game of basketball more than gossips about private love affairs. Chihiro could at least acknowledge when someone annoying didn’t act annoying.
He checks his phone and then the court below. He’d give them another ten minutes before making his way out. A good win was a good win; he should let Akashi do his thing.
Except he receives a message only a few minutes later that causes him to rush out of the stands and down to the locker rooms. Akashi is waiting for him outside.
“So you were with those three.”
Chihiro shrugs. “Not by choice.”
Akashi smirks. “Of course. You should have expected it, though.”
Chihiro sighs. “Well, congrats.”
He knows he does not smoothly change the subject, but Akashi seemingly lets that slide. “Thanks.” Akashi smiles. “I knew I couldn’t look bad in front of you.”
“Akashi…”
Chihiro reaches out with his left hand. It lands on Akashi’s right arm. Akashi puts his left hand over it.
“I’ll see you soon? Just have to do the usual.”
Chihiro nods. “Don’t worry about it. Take care of your team.” He slides his hand out from under Akashi’s. “I’ll be here for the next match too.”
Akashi’s smile widens. “I look forward to it.”
He takes a step towards Chihiro, pauses for a moment, and then surges forward. Before Chihiro can properly respond, Akashi’s lips have already moved away.
“Goodbye for now.”
Chihiro lifts a hand towards his mouth, the feeling of Akashi’s lips on his remaining even after Akashi’s form disappears back into the locker room. And then, suddenly, he remembers that he’s out in public. Maybe Akashi kissed him while no one was looking? Well, at least those three weren’t around…
But even if they had been… Even if everyone had been looking… Maybe Chihiro wouldn’t have minded. And that’s when he knows, he really knows… That maybe he is truly in love with Akashi after all.