Title: if this is how the dice roll...
Rating: T
Fandom: Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones
Relationship: Ephraim/Innes
Wordcount: 12631
Short summary: After the war, there is peace. Renais starts rebuilding. But with the peace something else rebuilds, or rather…changes...between Ephraim and Innes.
“What’s wrong, Brother?”
Ephraim wants to shout at the top of his lungs but it would incredibly rude and unfair to do so to Eirika. So instead he channels the other emotion he is feeling, the deep disappointment from finding Innes’ guest room empty this morning.
“Why does he hate himself?” he whispers.
Eirika purses her lips. “Why does…Innes?”
Ephraim nods. He doesn’t know if he can say that name right now.
Eirika sighs as she takes one of Ephraim’s hands. Her gentle touch always helps to soothe him, and Ephraim needs it badly right now.
“I don’t want to presume I know him better than you, but I don’t think that’s quite it.” When Ephraim blinks in surprise, she continues. “Innes is rather…overly practical. He always seems to be clamping down on his emotions. And he’s a strategist, right? He’s probably thought about the impracticalities of marrying the king of another country when he will become King of Frelia in the future.”
Overly practical…clamping down on emotions…strategist… Each of these words leave a bitter taste as Ephraim repeats them to himself.
“So he was trying to be nicer to me because of diplomatic reasons,” he mutters. He allowed me to reconnect with him because it would be good for Frelia? But then why was he so upset last night? “No, that’s not right. I know better.”
Eirika smiles and nods. “Yes you do.”
She lets go of Ephraim’s hand and takes a step back. In her gentle voice she gives Ephraim a warning. “Take time and seriously think about how you feel about him before you chase after him. He deserves that consideration.”
Ephraim feels properly scolded. He takes a deep breath. “You’re right. I’m being too hot-headed right now.”
Eirika smiles. “It’s fine. I know it’s because you care.”
So why doesn’t that seem to matter? Why is Innes gone, even when I wanted him to stay?
But unfortunately the time for self-reflection is cut short by his duties as King. Eirika gives him an apologetic look but there’s nothing she can do. They’ll go through business as normally as possible, but Ephraim is a little bit distracted, well… He fights himself, for the sake of his people…
********
”I love you. So that’s why I need to leave.”
When Ephraim had decided he would spend the evening writing out what he liked and disliked about Innes as a way to figure out his feelings, he didn’t expect to make such a long list. But it’s already two pages long, and okay maybe a few things are written down multiple times, but…
The likes list is twice as long as the dislikes list. So when Ephraim had told Innes he liked him, he truly meant it. Though perhaps he should have paid more attention to how Innes had reacted to those words. Most likely Innes brushed them off as something not important, and that’s the biggest thing Ephraim dislikes about Innes. The way he just dismisses things that don’t fit his worldview.
If Innes truly doesn’t believe himself deserving of love, he’ll find every reason for other people’s words to fit that worldview. He’ll construct the idea that Ephraim wants him to just be Lyon’s replacement. He’ll find fault in himself with every praise Ephraim gives to his dear old friend, so he can use that to hurt himself.
But wait, Eirika said she didn’t think it was self-loathing? But what else could it be?
”Other things were hard to understand. Playing around? Being nice? I only saw the strong get their way. So that was my priority.”
But then, Innes fell in love with Ephraim. At some point. Ephraim knows he is too dense to figure out when that would have been. He’s been confessed to a few times, although mostly by drunkards because commoners normally understand that they are unlikely to catch the attention of royalty. Eirika told him L’Arachel had expressed a little interest in him only once they returned home from the war, but Ephraim had brushed it off since L’Arachel never said anything more. He supposes he would have rejected her anyway, so it was for the best that nothing else happened. But with Innes…
“I don’t want to lose him. But…”
Eirika had warned him to take his time before chasing after Innes. Did she know something about Ephraim’s feelings, something he couldn’t see yet?
“Do I love him?” he asks himself out loud. He looks over the list of things he likes about Innes. Nothing stands out as “love” in the romantic sense. And he’s pretty sure Innes meant love in the romantic sense, or he wouldn’t have been so distraught, right?
Why… I didn’t want this to happen…
He has the feeling that Innes didn’t want this to happen either, that it was just an explosion of his pent-up emotions. Remembering that makes Ephraim feel guilty. He was the one who kept going into Innes’ space. He was the one who forced them together, transformed them from rivals to friends. Of course Innes wouldn’t say no until it was too late. Ephraim was the one who barged in, not thinking about Innes’ feelings at all.
“I guess…I better give him some time alone.”
He’ll also give himself time to figure out how he truly feels about Innes. Even if he wishes Innes would yell at him one more time.
I’m still that spoiled brat, aren’t I, Innes?
He thinks Innes would probably say yes but also say it’s fine, royals are naturally spoiled and selfish. But it doesn’t mean they can’t still do the right thing. Which is, considering how high the moon is in the sky right now, going to sleep to prepare for the next day’s audiences. So Ephraim sleeps and he doesn’t dream, except for maybe, maybe, a little bit about a sword duel that he wins this time...
********
“One month…”
Ephraim looks at the calendar on his desk and sighs. Next to it is a pile of documents he should read over soon, but that will likely be a task for tomorrow morning. Tonight he is just not in the right mindset, and a sloppy King is worse than a slow King. Even if Ephraim has Eirika and Seth to catch him before he makes mistakes.
Innes has been gone for one month already. Am I allowed to reach out to him yet?
It’s been a hard few weeks without Innes after Innes had spent a month at Castle Renais, always available for Ephraim’s whims, whether they were impromptu political discussions, impromptu history lessons, or impromptu duels. Ephraim knew that Innes had conducted some Frelian business not related to the aid Frelia is still giving Renais to help with reconstruction, even though being at Castle Renais had been inconvenient for that. Perhaps Ephraim shouldn’t have been so dependent on Innes. Before they had just been exchanging letters, seeing each other once a month or less, until Ephraim had extended that indefinite invitation. Maybe that means Ephraim could send Innes a letter. But there was usually a future meeting to look forward to, a reason to write because they would see each other again soon. But now…
“Should I schedule one?”
”Take time and seriously think about how you feel about him before you chase after him.”
“Give myself a deadline to decide?”
Ephraim laughs to himself. He hasn’t looked over his list of likes and dislikes in two weeks, because there had been nothing to add or subtract. The likes list was truly much longer than the dislikes list; in the end it had become three times as long.
“No, I already know how I feel. I miss him.”
Ephraim wants to see that awkward smile, he wants to hear that gentle scolding. He wants to see that green hair, those long limbs, the sturdy shoulder and back. Dueling with Eirika or Seth, Kyle or Forde is just not the same. Or maybe he really can’t stand the fact that he still has the 3-duel losing streak when it comes to swords…
Is he doing okay? I hope he is…
Ephraim hopes Innes is happy. It would make this uncertain separation worth it. It would make…Innes breaking his own heart worth it…
No… No…
Ephraim is truly a horrible man. Deep down, he wants everything. He wants but he doesn’t give back, not when it comes to the most important things. He wanted more from Lyon than Lyon could give. And now he wants, from Innes… For Innes to keep loving him. Even though Ephraim has not loved him back, not the right way.
But…
Ephraim starts pacing. He needs to put himself into Innes’ position. He needs to imagine…if Innes had someone that wasn’t family more important to him than Ephraim, someone he respected and cared for more than Ephraim, someone he loved instead…
No!
“I…get it.”
It’s a quiet revelation, but when he puts the pieces together finally, there are so many other things he suddenly thinks about that fit in as well. He’s overflowing with emotion; he wants to cry.
“I figured it out. Innes…”
I love you too.
“Wait for me…”
********
“Tana! It’s great to see you.”
“Same here, Eirika! And I have some big news for you!”
“Does it have to do something with Innes?”
“Wow, you guessed it! Sort of. He wants all of us to gather at Frelia for the first international summit since the end of the war. He’s been holed up in his room ever since he returned from Renais working on whatever this is.”
“Whatever this is?”
“I don’t know. Some paperwork stuff. You know how he is about having things down in writing.”
“Yes… He’s been doing well?”
“I think so? Well…let’s talk about it later. When Ephraim isn’t eavesdropping.”
********
“Oh, I better catch up with L’Arachel. Will you be okay, Brother?”
“Yes. Don’t worry about me, Eirika.”
Ephraim is standing at one corner of the great hall with a glass of wine in his left hand that he’s mostly been swirling around instead of sipping out of. He and Eirika arrived later than expected due to a minor road incident, so the opening reception was already in full swing by the time they joined. Which is fine with Ephraim; he spends enough of his life at the center of attention. Besides there’s really only one major thought in his mind.
Innes…
It’s been 2 months since Ephraim has last seen Innes. Innes looks good, both physically and mentally, as he converses with Joshua in the middle of the room. Joshua meanwhile looks pretty much the same as he did during the war, never shifting from his mercenary outfit back into royal clothes apparently. Honestly Ephraim himself hasn’t changed either even though he could put on a royal crown and robe, but the extra items are more a bothersome accessory than anything else. He does wonder how Innes might look with a cloak…
“You keep looking at Innes. Do you want me to get his attention?”
Ephraim blinks at the sound of Tana’s voice and the image disappears from his mind. “No, that’s okay. I can wait.”
The last thing Ephraim wants to do is fall back into his previous habit of barging into Innes’ space with any regard to Innes’ feelings. He needs to show a little restraint, a little respect… Although he isn’t upset at all when Innes notices him and approaches a moment later.
“Thank you for coming,” Innes says warmly. “This conference is partly your doing by the way.”
Ephraim smiles. “That’s nice to hear. I hope you’ve been well?”
He had been caught eavesdropping on Tana and Eirika’s conversation a few weeks ago, so he didn’t really know how Innes had been doing. But even if he did, he still rather hear about it from Innes himself. Just from the way Innes sounds, the way he stands, the way his eyes crinkle and his lips curl…
“Well, there was a lot to prepare,” Innes admits with a small smile. “But I suppose I enjoy being busy.”
Ephraim laughs. “Well, I look forward to the results of your hard work. Did it include practicing with the sword, perhaps?”
“And I thought I was the sour loser.”
Ephraim smiles sheepishly. “Well—”
“Duessel has arrived, your Highness. Shall we start to bring the food out?”
Ephraim’s next quip gets interrupted by one of the staff members. It seems Innes is indeed in charge of the entire operation, for King Hayden has yet to make an appearance. Then again, L’Arachel is here instead of Pontifex Mansel, so it really is a gathering of allies from the war. Who would have thought Innes would be the one bringing them all back together? Of course it probably isn’t just for a party, but…
“Brother? We should probably join the others at the table.”
“Of course, Eirika.”
But first, there is food to enjoy and stories to hear from friends. Ephraim will enjoy this night like everyone else, and worry about taking action tomorrow…
********
“So I would like you all to look at these figures together instead of isolation. Because I believe it serves everyone best if we make agreements that everyone understands and agrees to.”
The next morning begins with the reason why they all came for this summit. Innes is passing out paper like an instructor to his students. Though it is a funny thought to imagine the old stalwart Duessel as a student being scolded by teacher Innes…
“So no mere two-country agreements here then?” Joshua asks.
“Yes. Everyone helps each other, and I took into consideration the various strengths of each nation as well as the distances between nations to come up with these percentages.”
Ephraim receives his own copy of Innes’ proposal to scribble all over, but frankly as someone who adjusts to battles on the fly more often than not, these precise numbers are beyond him. He’ll just trust Innes’ calculations, knowing the logic is sound.
“Hey, if we are giving each other financial compensation for manpower, we can’t pay each other too well, right? Otherwise I’ll lose all my folks to you guys,” Joshua says, his finger on the diagram with the possible scenario of a natural disaster happening to Frelia.
“Well, then you just have to entice them with a reason to come back, right?” Innes replies with a smirk. But then his expression softens as he adds, “But perhaps we might want to set some limits on compensation, to at least allay some future arguments.”
Joshua and L’Arachel end up being the two that argue the most with Innes’ initial calculations, though Ephraim can’t help feel a little pride when Eirika too makes good points accepted by all. The numbers get adjusted another ten times before the lunch break, and another ten times after that. But by dinnertime there is a sense of satisfaction with the plan. Because it is just a plan, not a formal agreement. It can’t be an actual agreement unless all the current leaders sign it, and only Ephraim and Joshua can currently act in that capacity here. Even still, it feels like they have just undertaken a group bonding activity. Dinner is a lively affair once more, and everyone leaves in a good mood back to their rooms. Well, except for Ephraim, because he decided earlier that tonight he would act, apologies to Innes in advance.
“Innes!” Ephraim calls out as he follows Innes down the hall, all the way to his room. He doesn’t shout too loudly because he doesn’t want to call everyone’s attention to what he’s doing, but unfortunately it means Innes doesn’t turn around once. Innes does pause in front of his door, though.
“Well, it’s nice that at least some things don’t change,” Innes says. Ephraim frowns. What does Innes mean by that? Is that a good or a bad thing?
But before Ephraim can ask, Innes turns around to face him with a frown on his face. “Have you been here the whole time?”
Ephraim smiles sheepishly. “Yes.”
Innes shakes his head. “Well, come in, I guess.”
Ephraim steps into Innes’ domain slowly, cautiously. He feels his heart start racing, knowing that this moment is important, that this is a special opportunity.
Innes closes the door and sighs. “You’re going to say something embarrassing, so I rather it be done in private.”
Those words throw Ephraim off. Is he reading my mind? Ephraim wonders as he tries to buy himself a little time to organize. “Innes…
There are so many things I want to say but where do I start? he thinks to himself. With an apology? With a request? With a wish?
“Can I… Can I touch you?”
The words that Ephraim blurts out take both of them by surprise. Innes’ jaw drops. “What? That was worse than I thought.”
Ephraim finds himself blushing. “Was it really that bad?” he squeaks out, even knowing that yes, it was bad. It was really bad.
“You don’t just go...” Innes shakes his head. “Fine. Do it.”
That’s a yes? “Huh? Okay!”
Ephraim really, really should have said I love you but he’s not going to waste this opportunity to touch Innes. To hold Innes with the love that fills his heart. It’s just…how does he start? Before he just would lean against Innes when they sat side by side, but not only was that inappropriate when looking with hindsight, but it wasn’t particularly romantic or gentle. To demonstrate that, does he lightly touch Innes’ arms? His shoulders? Go for the hands?
“This is taking a long time. Are you going to be done soon?”
“No, I…” Ephraim starts to panic a little. He can’t leave Innes hanging but how does he say… “I’m just trying to figure out how…how to…”
“Spit it out already.”
“How to hold you, without you wanting to squirm away.”
Innes freezes and Ephraim feels his heart drop. He screwed up. He’s lost his chance. His hands, which were hovering by Innes’ shoulders, drop back down to his sides.
“Why?” Innes asks. He steps backwards, away from Ephraim. “You know…how I feel…”
Ephraim would never forget those words. “Yes—”
“So don’t just—"
“I know how you feel!” Ephraim exclaims loudly, his hands balling up into fists. “That’s why I want to…”
I want to be the one for you! But Ephraim remembers Eirika’s words suddenly. They come back to him like a slap in the face, waking him up to reality.
“Is it because you’re a Prince and I’m a King? If I were just…an ordinary man…it would be okay?”
Because even if Ephraim had started by telling Innes he loves him, Innes would have just brushed it off. Because the underlying problem is…
“No.” Innes sighs. “Have you talked to Eirika about this? To Seth?”
Ephraim knows Innes isn’t scolding him necessarily out of anger, but it still stings. It’s like Innes doesn’t take him seriously, and… He’s not wrong to, necessarily, wonder how serious Ephraim is but…
Ephraim shakes his head. He’ll just have to be honest. “Well…sort of. To Eirika.”
Innes’ expression softens. “There is no point in thinking about hypotheticals,” he says gently. “Not in this situation.”
Ephraim nods. He feels like a child being counseled by an adult. “I understand.”
But since he’s a child in his heart still, he’s also too stubborn and too selfish to back down. He is going to get something out of this meeting tonight. He is going to make things right. He’ll even beg if he has to, if that means Innes won’t speak to him like he did that night 2 months ago...
“I want you to believe me, then,” Ephraim says, taking a step towards Innes. “I haven’t figure out all the things yet. But my feeling are true. Innes, when we were apart, I realized… I love you, Innes. You are precious to me. And I don’t want to lose you.”
Time passes in silence, but it doesn’t bother Ephraim too much. Because Innes is gazing deep into Ephraim’s eyes and Ephraim will gladly let him take his time to look, to get any confirmation he needs that Ephraim is speaking his heart’s truth.
Finally Innes breaks the silence. “Okay. I will believe you.”
Ephraim can’t help the huge smile that breaks across his face. He reaches out towards Innes before remembering he should ask first. Yes, remember not to just barge in! “Can I get a…hug then?”
Innes answers this request by closing the distance in a split second and throwing his arms around Ephraim, taking Ephraim completely by surprise. But it’s a very welcome surprise. Ephraim is amazed at how good it feels to have Innes holding him so tightly. He’d gladly lose some air for… Oh, Innes is pulling away already.
Ephraim tries a joke while Innes steps back with a blush of embarrassment dusting his cheeks. Because the blush is cute and Ephraim wants more. “Wow, your grip is even stronger now than when you get mad after I beat you at lances.”
Innes huffs. “Well, of course. I’ve gotten stronger since then.”
“Yes indeed. You’ve become very strong and handsome and smart and—”
“Please shut up.”
Innes is flustered, his blush even deeper than before. Ephraim can’t help the big grin on his face. “Make me,” he goads.
The next second, Ephraim finds his mouth shut by another mouth, by Innes’ hot mouth in the type of kiss that he’s heard maids gossip about in both yearnful and embarrassed voices. In this kiss Ephraim feels every emotion inside of Innes ranging from a frustrated passion to a solid warmth. And there’s also a little playfulness with the way Innes tongue pokes inside Ephraim’s mouth, but only for a brief moment before Innes breaks the kiss.
“Damn.” It’s the only word Ephraim can say. He doesn’t swear too often, but there’s nothing else to describe how he’s feeling. He doesn’t even know how to kiss like Innes just did, but he wants to do it again, and again…
But Innes rejects that idea by dropping his hands from Ephraim’s body and stepping back a few paces. His body is stiff and there is no sign of playfulness anymore.
“If you are serious about this, I want a proper courting,” Innes states. Ephraim sees a weak attempt at a smile. “After all, a King should strive to do good, right?”
Ephraim smiles back. “I’ll take you up on that, actually.”
His mind is whirling; he has so many thoughts. Of course he’ll consult Eirika and Seth, because Innes had asked him to do so earlier. He also has a few others he needs to consult, on the Frelian side. And then there are the things he can do, himself, to convince Innes. He’ll treat courting like a battle, and he’ll fight for Innes.
I will do it right by you, Innes. I swear it!
He’ll put aside the selfish side that wants to share another kiss with Innes right now… Bid Innes a proper good night, and…start on the path to securing his future with Innes in the morning.