Title: if this is how the dice roll...
Rating: T
Fandom: Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones
Relationship: Ephraim/Innes
Wordcount: 12631
Short summary: After the war, there is peace. Renais starts rebuilding. But with the peace something else rebuilds, or rather…changes...between Ephraim and Innes.
“What am I even doing?”
Innes has only talked out loud to himself in moments of distress, albeit always in privacy. But over the past few years the act of doing so had been few and far between. Today, though, he has felt the need to do so once more.
It’s been six months since Ephraim confronted him about acting different and then challenged him to a sword duel, which Innes is proud to say he won. Six months of regular correspondence and meetings. He knows that blue-haired king’s face much better than he should, considering Ephraim is, well, a king. In Innes’ opinion, Ephraim is extremely lucky that Eirika and Seth take care of a lot of Renais’ business for him.
And, in contrast, Innes is extremely unlucky. He’s floundering and he doesn’t have someone to confide in or rely on. He can’t imagine talking about his feelings with Tana, or worse, with Father… He would probably die from the embarrassment.
So instead he just…suffers. Maybe he should have forced himself away from Ephraim until their connection broke cleanly, made Ephraim hate him instead of feeling guilty that he was hurting Ephraim with prideful, insensitive words. Because now when they meet, Ephraim looks excited to see him, which makes his heart beat a bit faster, a bit erratically. Idle thoughts, fantasies, delusions that Innes believed he had stuffed down or eliminated after the end of the war are rising back to the surface, coming to mind at some of the worst times. Like when Ephraim sits down next to him, arm against arm, Innes starts wondering if Ephraim came a little bit more… No, no, no, he absolutely can’t be thinking like that! His country and his family are more than enough. His…friendship with Ephraim is more than enough.
“It’s just friendship… It’s all it can ever be…”
And with that stated out loud, Innes pulls out an old history text and hopes it distracts him enough to send him to sleep without foolish and useless thoughts.
********
“So that means the land would be useable for planting every year and not require a rest year?”
“I’m glad you are finally using your brain for something other than battle.”
Innes suppresses his urge to laugh at the way Ephraim’s eyes light up. He isn’t sure how they started discussing food crops of all topics, since it’s not a subject Innes is particularly knowledgeable about or particularly interested in. But it seems like Ephraim is starting to grasp the importance of other things to governance besides fighting and wars. Perhaps Ephraim’s experience in the Grado recovery effort has helped bring this to light. Or maybe it was earlier, during the war when he had to grow up too quickly to the reality of war instead of enjoying his time drawing up glorious battles and glorious victories.
Innes always knew that Ephraim could be a great king if he embraced the role fully. Even though Ephraim likely spent a lot of his youth skipping or sleeping through history lessons, his character was never an issue. His capacity to work hard for others, to care and protect, to fight for them was never in doubt. Innes spent more than enough of his life envying Ephraim for these traits, or rather, envying how everyone was able to see these parts of Ephraim but not these same parts in him. Well, it's not so much of an issue nowadays, but…
“I don’t know about that.” Ephraim has a sheepish grin on his face. “I think we’re fighting the earth in order to get food, in a way.”
Innes sighs. “If that makes you remember something like this better, then by all means.”
Ephraim laughs. “I wonder if he would have said something like that too.”
Innes tenses. He knows exactly which he Ephraim is referring to and he can’t help the bitter feeling that arises. Because, yes, when compared to sweet and gentle Lyon, Innes is a flimsy imitation at best. He just knows that if Lyon were still around, Ephraim wouldn’t give Innes a spare thought. Innes would have to be the one who initiated everything, who would need to beg for a sliver of attention because in comparison…
“Ah, but I wouldn’t trade your frank manner of speaking it. It really gives me a kick in the back.”
Ephraim grins and Innes smiles back, or at least tries to. He hopes it’s passable enough; he is still trying to force down that feeling of jealousy.
A minute passes before Ephraim breaks the silence. “Hey, Innes?”
Innes blinks. “What is it?”
“Eirika would still make a better ruler, right?” Ephraim’s grin is completely gone, replaced by a serious expression. “Tell me honestly.”
“Ephraim…” Innes sighs, long and deep, as he formulates what he wants to say. “If you want me to be honest, yes and no.” Yes she knows more stuff than you do he might say to justify the “yes”. No she’s not the one who led the army to victory against the Demon King he might say to justify the “no”. Instead he settles on something else.
“She’s doing what she does best. And she wants this and nothing more.”
“What do you mean?”
Innes does his best not to sigh again. He wonders if Eirika ever got frustrated with how dense her brother is.
“She wants to be your support. She wants to help you govern. Or if she had…married into another ruling family, to help them govern.”
“Like if she had married you?”
Innes chokes at Ephraim’s question. What was Ephraim even thinking…oh, of course. Innes would have been a viable choice. With how long Eirika and Seth have been all but officially married, it had been crossed off as a possibility in Innes’ mind a long, long time ago. Not that it would have been a good possibility anyway, with his attraction being towards Ephraim…
After some fake coughs, Innes finds his reply. “I have no interest in her like that.”
Ephraim chuckles. “That’s a relief. Though having you as a brother-in-law wouldn’t have been too bad.”
Brother-in-law? Innes is finding all this talk suddenly very awkward. Besides, does it really matter? Innes has been in Renais for almost a month now, and Tana before was…wait a minute…
Before Innes thinks his sentence through his mouth opens and words tumble out. “You know that’s not the only way you can…never mind.”
Innes shakes his head. The idea of Tana marrying Ephraim makes Innes want to…sink into the ground. Because it’s not an impossibility. Tana and Ephraim get along pretty well, and though Ephraim has never hinted at liking Tana in a more than friendly way, Innes easily imagines that Tana could grow to like Ephraim in a more than friendly way. Ephraim would be able to make Tana happy, and what else could an older brother wish for besides the future happiness and safety of his beloved younger sister?
“Innes?”
Innes blinks. “Sorry?”
Ephraim laughs. “No, I should be sorry. I guess that idea was too much for you! Let’s do something else. I’m sick of just sitting around.”
Innes rolls his eyes. “Perhaps I should have said you are a worse leader after all,” he jokes.
Ephraim laughs. “Oh, so now you say that, right before I was going to invite you for a sword duel.”
“Swords again?” Innes smirks. “Are you bitter about my two-win streak?” But he’s already getting up on his feet. A sword duel would indeed be a nice way to distract himself from thinking too much about everything they just talked about.
“Well, I’m going to put that to rest soon enough,” Ephraim declares as he leads the way out of the study.
“Bring it on.”
********
“You know, I asked about whether Eirika would be a better leader because…”
“Hmm?”
Innes is a bit surprised when Ephraim starts off their conversation like this a few days later, while Innes is looking over some old historical maps. Innes for his part was comparing the terrain in the drawings from the past to the ones of the present and trying to discern what changes were natural and what had been man-made. It was intended to be an intellectual exercise for these were old Renais maps, but…
“I am thinking about Grado. How it’s ruled by a council of representatives now, but people seem to want Duessel to become Emperor.”
Innes bites his lip. Duessel is a man of justice and honor based on what Innes has seen, although Innes doesn’t know him too well. “Do you think he should become Emperor?”
Innes asks that question honestly wanting Ephraim’s response and he is pleased when Ephraim replies with a thoughtful answer. “No, Duessel has done more than enough for Grado. Even him serving on the council now is more for signaling to other nations that Grado will not go back to the war path anytime soon, but…”
Innes nods. “I will admit. If Grado did become an Empire like it was before, Frelia would not likely be their ally.”
Innes has not talked to Father about this in particular, but he had the feeling his father would agree. It would take time, much time, for trust to be rebuilt between Grado and the other nations.
“Yes.” Ephraim averts his gaze. “I think this is what Lyon worried about,” he says quietly.
Innes doesn’t know what to say and he thinks Ephraim probably wouldn’t want to know what he would say about a man he barely knew and only saw the last moments of.
“He couldn’t trust Renais to help Grado in its time of disaster, so he desperately went after power thinking he could use that instead to save his people.” Ephraim sighs. “Well, just because it’s an alliance it doesn’t mean he should have trusted Renais, but… I know that, but…”
A minute of silence passes as Innes imagines the words Ephraim would say. Something like I still wanted to help him, because he was my dear friend? Something like I wanted him to trust me?
If Innes were in that situation, would anyone think the same way? Would anyone believe in him? Would anyone want to trust him? If he made an error so grave, would people still think of him kindly?
No, not likely at all. No matter what his intentions were, it doesn’t matter. Trust…takes time to build. However…
“Written out agreements.”
“Huh?”
“If there is something in writing, then there is an expectation. And consequences if an expectation isn’t met.”
This is what Innes had come here for, initially, after all. Over the past few weeks he and Ephraim, Eirika and Seth had worked on drafting agreements between Frelia and Renais regarding the rebuilding of Renais’ ruined land. They discussed how much Frelian soldiers were allowed to take from the land that they helped to rebuild, how much independent action they were allowed to exert, if for instance there was dispute with thieves or bandits…
Ephraim nods slowly. “I see.”
Innes sees the light of understanding come into Ephraim’s eyes, but just in case, he adds, “We can’t always rely on…personal relationships…for everything.”
Because one side may not see things the same way as the other side. Because no one would really trust the same way that Ephraim does or wants to.
“But it doesn’t hurt?” Ephraim says after a while.
Innes raises an eyebrow. “What doesn’t hurt?”
“Having personal connections.”
Innes stops himself from immediately shouting something unkind. Because it wouldn’t help anybody. Even if he doesn’t agree with Ephraim, he doesn’t mind a little concession. He can’t discount the possibility that, for someone like Ephraim…
“It…doesn’t hurt.”
Ephraim smiles. “Thanks, Innes. That helped a lot.”
Innes is glad that conversation helped someone, because he’s not sure it helped him. Instead his own doubts about himself, in relation to Ephraim and everyone, have risen once more to the surface. But Ephraim is smiling, so that’s overall good, right?
********
”Eirika? What’s with that sigh?”
”I haven’t seen Brother look so happy since the time we spent in Grado with Lyon.”
“If that’s the case, that’s indeed a good sign. After everything he has gone through, he deserves to be happy.”
“I’m glad you feel the same way, Seth.”
********
“You’re actually pretty good at swords, for a sniper.”
Innes stops himself mid-practice swing at the sound of Ephraim’s voice. He had determined that physical activity was the only thing that would likely distract his mind from the conversation he accidentally overheard between Eirika and Seth an hour ago. But in the end it doesn’t help much when the object of said conversation waltzes into view like this.
“You didn’t figure that out after my three-win streak?” Innes jokes. When Ephraim shrugs instead of laughing, Innes responds with the actual answer. “Well I train as a bowknight too.”
Ephraim perks up. “Is that a new thing? Are you really good with horses now? Want to go on a ride?”
Innes puts the practice sword down. He supposes he never brought up horses to Ephraim, figuring Ephraim should choose the means of competition since this is his home turf, but it seems Ephraim didn’t know about all the new activities Innes had picked up after the war. Why Innes picked up all those activities is…well, something he rather not share.
“Yes, I can ride a horse well enough. Are we racing?”
Ephraim laughs. “No, I just got excited! I like learning new things about you.”
Innes nearly chokes on his own saliva. Is this what they meant by Ephraim looking so happy? Saying stuff like this outright with no reservation?
Innes shakes his head. “If you say so.”
Ephraim laughs. “Anyway, want to go? After all those meetings I want to get out away from the others.”
“With me?” Innes wonders how that gives Ephraim any reprieve.
Ephraim answers cheerfully. “You’re refreshing, compared to those guys.”
Innes is more prepared this time so he doesn’t choke, but he takes a moment to swallow. “I suppose I will accept that as a compliment.”
They head for the stables where Ephraim immediately beelines to his steed. Innes hasn’t seen her since the war, but she looks to be just as energetic as her master. Next stall over seems to be the mare that Eirika rode, and then Seth’s…
“You don’t need to find me a horse, if it’s too much trouble…” Innes begins as Ephraim leads his horse out.
“Nah, let’s see…” Ephraim pauses for a moment, his head cocking to the side. “Ah, if you don’t mind one of the horses used for training?”
“If we aren’t racing, then it’s fine.”
Ephraim grins. “Alright!”
Training horses can’t go as fast as the horses reserved for the senior knights in order to keep trainees from going too fast too early and getting seriously injured. But Innes respects those horses a lot, especially once he started training seriously as a bowknight. He still prefers being on his feet to shoot, if possible, though.
As Innes is not the type to trample around someone else’s territory just for amusement, he does not know the path that Ephraim takes them on, nor does he know that there is this quiet spot seemingly groomed for picnicking that overlooks the castle grounds.
“Father took us out here, as kids. I used to think it was a huge expanse but…well, it’s still nice at least.”
It’s the first words that Ephraim speaks in a little while, and somehow he answers Innes’ question before Innes even asks it. Innes winces a little at what must have been his obvious expression and tries to change it to a reassuring smile. “It’s fine.”
Ephraim chuckles. “I’m glad.”
They both dismount from the horses and take a seat on the grass. Younger Innes would have maybe complained about the fact that they would be getting their pants dirty for no good reason, but Innes right now could see that Ephraim was indeed tired from his meetings and resigned himself to being used as a human pillow. Even if he’s not too fond of human contact, for Ephraim he would…
He would be okay with it, even if his heart is threatening to beat out of his chest. Thankfully Ephraim has decided to lean against Innes’ right side. It’s moments like these, when Ephraim leans his head onto Innes’ shoulder, that Innes notices their height difference, and their size difference, and the many other ways they are different physically and…
“We don’t always have to compete, you know.”
Innes is a bit startled when Ephraim breaks the silence with such soft words. He almost wants to…brush the bangs on Ephraim’s forehead. Instead he bites his lip.
“That’s true. But…”
But they can’t stop competing. It’s the lifeline of their bond. It’s the start of everything and the continuation of everything. Wasn’t Ephraim the one who challenged him to swords when they were “drifting apart”?
“I like what we have now,” Ephraim continues. “I like competing against you, but sometimes I just want to relax and enjoy things together. Like back then, before…”
Before…what? Innes feels uneasy hearing Ephraim trail off like that. And unfortunately his fears get confirmed a moment later.
“Although you aren’t as nice as Lyon—”
“Would you rather Lyon be here, instead of me?” Innes yells.
His mind is screaming. Lyon, Lyon, Lyon! First Ephraim, then Eirika and Seth, and now Ephraim again. Talking about a man who is long gone, who is dead! While Innes is right here! Alive!
“Innes?” Ephraim questions as Innes shakes him off and stands up. “That’s not what I meant—”
“I’m sure you’d be a lot happier, right?” Innes is…angry? Irritated? He can’t help the words that tumble out, like a torrent. “You’d be happier, Eirika would be happier, hell maybe even Tana…”
And then Innes stops and falls down to his knees. God, Tana… He’s fought with her so many times over the years. Maybe she really, really would have preferred to have a kinder, gentler brother instead.
“Innes!” Ephraim has grabbed onto Innes’ right arm. “Why do you have to… I just wanted to…”
But Innes shoves him away. Why does he have to indeed. He knows Ephraim is just oblivious to how Innes feels. He knows Ephraim is probably just trying to share something with Innes and meant no harm. But it doesn’t matter right now when Innes feels this way.
“I’m sorry, I want to be alone right now.”
“Innes!”
Innes gets on the training horse and rides without looking back. Ephraim could catch up, but he doesn’t. It’s a blessing, this one moment where Ephraim isn’t dense. Or maybe Ephraim is in shock? It doesn’t matter. Innes needs to get back inside, get in his room, shut the door, and…calm down.
********
“Innes, I’m sorry for ever implying that I rather Lyon be here instead of you. I don’t mean that at all.”
At first Innes had started organizing his stuff as an attempt to calm down. It was supposed to be something that his mind could focus on instead of his overwhelming bout of self-loathing mixed in with anger and frustration. But in reality the more he packed, the more he began to think again about the situation, albeit with a different lens. Do I really need to be here? I’ve already been here for a month. Ephraim is doing fine. But maybe I haven’t been…doing so great myself.
And then Ephraim had to come knocking.
“Innes?”
Innes’ heartbeat picks up. He lets out a deep breath. Perhaps Ephraim can hear it through the door. Just in case, Innes says clearly, “It’s fine. I overreacted.”
“Then let me in?”
“No.”
Innes is panicking right now. The last thing he needs is to see Ephraim’s face.
“I guess I’ll continue to talk to you like this until you do.”
Innes feels a prickle of annoyance. “Suit yourself,” he says dismissively.
He hears Ephraim sigh. Then a moment later, Ephraim begins. “I wouldn’t be here without you. Surely you know that?”
Well, yes. Innes is in this room, so this is why Ephraim is here right now. Innes almost rolls his eyes, but it’s likely just Ephraim getting warmed up. He supposes he’ll continue packing as he listens to whatever Ephraim wants to say.
“I’ve learned a lot from you. Not just recently but throughout the years. You’re really stubborn, for one. You work really hard. You have high expectations and you rise to meet them. Of course, when I was younger I was a spoiled brat so I didn’t understand this.”
Innes almost smiles at Ephraim calling himself a “spoiled brat”. Because it was true; then again all royal children tended to be spoiled brats at first, Innes included.
“You’ve had all these great qualities but no one ever really saw you, right? No one ever thought about the person inside you. They weren’t valuing you; they always cared about the ‘prince’ instead.”
Innes scrunches his face. This sounds like an exaggerated, distorted view. Was it meant to cheer Innes up? Because it sounds stupid.
“Why would you think I would be different from the rest? See the real you? So when we met for the first time, you already had those walls up. And I didn’t realize, not until recently, that it was only your outside façade I was seeing.”
Ephraim lets out a sigh and Innes finds himself following suit. Okay, he should probably take care of this idiot before some unfortunate guest hears more of this.
Innes puts his bag down and walks to the door. He opens it and gives Ephraim a glare. “You’re wrong.”
“Innes?” Ephraim yelps in surprise. Innes shakes his head; did Ephraim really think Innes would listen to him spout all that nonsense and not confront him?
“Just come inside already,” Innes says, shooing Ephraim inside. He closes the door and motions for Ephraim to stop at the desk. “Stay there.”
Ephraim stands where Innes asks obediently, but it doesn’t stop his eyes from wandering around, taking stock of the surrounding. That’s fine; Innes has nothing to hide here, except his own feelings. But first he should clear some things up.
“There was no outside façade,” Innes begins. “I was young and had an idea what a prince should care about and that was my sole focus.”
Ephraim opens his mouth but shuts it again, realizing almost immediately that it is now Innes’ turn to counter all his earlier points.
“Other things were hard to understand. Playing around? Being nice? I only saw the strong get their way. So that was my priority. Only during the war did I start to see how I lived my life was wrong.”
Innes can’t help but cringe, admitting his shame. “So don’t act so apologetic over me,” he quickly adds.
Ephraim frowns. “Innes…”
“Now you can leave.” Innes’ voice is tense; he hopes Ephraim picks up on how much this would mean if…
“Alright. But I won’t.”
Innes sighs. Dense Ephraim is back. He feels resigned. “Well, I suppose this is your castle…”
“It’s not that!” Ephraim exclaims. Innes feels like someone hit him with thunder magic; his whole body suddenly at attention. “Innes, I like you. So I don’t want you to be upset, looking like you’re going to leave first thing tomorrow morning.”
What did he…why did he have to… Innes shakes his head, willing himself to not overthink. “Really,” he responds as flatly as he can.
Ephraim groans. Clearly that is not the response he wished for. “I wish Eirika was here because she always knows what to say and do in these situations, but I know I need to do this myself.”
He straightens his posture but the voice that comes out is soft and pleading. “Innes, please stay.” He looks a little distraught, actually, which causes Innes to panic once more. “I want you to stay.”
No, no, no! You can’t say that! Innes is already imagining everyone yelling at him for making Ephraim upset. Which just means Innes has…one choice.
“Come here.”
“Huh?”
Ephraim is too shocked to move so Innes approaches him instead. He doesn’t close the distance between them completely, though. He can’t.
This will be the last time we will be this close, I’m sure. So I guess I better make it count for something…
“I realized something earlier, but I didn’t want to admit it.”
Innes voice comes out more wistful than he intended. He wanted to sound strong, maybe indifferent. But instead he’s causing Ephraim more distress. “Innes?”
Innes needs to end this, now. He takes a deep breath and lets it all out.
“I love you. So that’s why I need to leave.”
“What?”
Innes laughs dryly. Of course Ephraim is confused. “I won’t say it again.” He steps away from Ephraim and opens the door. “Now go.”
Ephraim’s gaze flits between Innes and the open door. “Innes!”
But Innes has nothing more to say to Ephraim tonight. What is there to say? He’s broken his own heart. Can’t Ephraim understand that?
“Innes!”
Okay, Innes can’t take this anymore. He grabs onto Ephraim’s arms and drags him out, shoves him out of the room, then slams the door shut before Ephraim can come back inside. He hears Ephraim slam his fists against the door but then Innes is saved by Kyle. A man who he respects enough as a capable soldier and friend to Ephraim but a man he maybe needs to thank in the future. Even if it was just to drag Ephraim away for business, it’s enough. It gives Innes his peace.
Goodbye, Ephraim.
Everything is back in order. That night Innes sleeps early and well. And the next morning, he’s gone.